


Trolls: Spy on Unsuspecting Humans

by bramblePatch



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Human Reproduction Sure is Weird!, Memo, Multi, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-06
Updated: 2011-09-06
Packaged: 2017-10-23 11:39:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bramblePatch/pseuds/bramblePatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twelve adolescent trolls with nothing to occupy their time. Four adolescent humans who didn't realize they were being watched. It was really just a matter of time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trolls: Spy on Unsuspecting Humans

**Author's Note:**

> Whoa, first time using the custom skin and it's a memo with all the trolls. All of them. What is wrong with me.

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN. 

CGC: OK OK 3V3RYON3  
CGC: http://tinyurl.com/HUM4NM4K3OUTS  
CGC: 3V3RYON3 GO LOOK 4S SOON 4S YOU G3T 1N H3R3  
CGC: 1T'S H1L4R1OUS   
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FCG: WHAT THE HELL TEREZI  
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU  
FCG: NO WAIT DON'T ANSWER THAT WE'LL BE HERE ALL DAY   
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 5 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 5 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FUTURE arsenicCatnip [FAC] 5 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FCT: D--> Oh my.  
FCT: D--> Nepeta, do not open that link.  
FCT: D--> In fact, do not open any lin% that Pyrope provides.   
FAC: :33 *the curious kitty's paw hovers over the tempting link*   
FCT: D--> Perhaps it would be best if you stepped away from your terminal, Nepeta.  
FCT: D--> And get me a towel while you're up.   
FAG: woooooooow, Terezi, where do you find this stuff?  
FAG: I'm impr8ssed.   
FCG: FOR FUCKS SAKE DON'T ENCOURAGE HER   
CURRENT grimAuxilliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 1:26 HOURS AGO responded to memo.   
CGA: Both Terezi And Vriska Have Now Insisted I Participate In This Memo  
CGA: Will I Regret Clicking On That Link   
CGC: OF COURS3 NOT   
FAG: dooooooooo 8t   
FCG: YOU WILL REGRET IT EVERY NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE   
PTC: WhOa, WhAt Am I mOtHerFuCkInG wAtChInG?  
PTC: ThAt OuR hUmAn BuDdIeS gEtTinG aLl DoWn WiTh EaChOtHeR?   
CGA: Now I Must Investigate   
FAC: :33 me too!  
FAC: :33 sorry, equius!   
FCT: D--> What? No   
CGA: Oh Dear God My Eyes  
CGA: Yet I Find I Cannot Look Away   
FCG: WELL DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU   
CGA: You Did Indeed Warn Me Karkat I Was Foolish To Disregard It   
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 30 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS BUT FOR ONCE I AGREE WITH ZAHHAK  
FCG: EVERYONE STOP BEING FUCKING CREEPY AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR TERMINALS  
FCG: THAT'S AN ORDER   
FTA: waiit what  
FTA: KK agreeiing with EQ on anythiing?  
FTA: thii2 ii've got two 2ee   
FCG: GODDAMMIT SOLLUX   
CAT: uH, cAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT'S, uH, hAPPENING HERE?  
CAT: i, uH, dON'T UNDERSTAND,   
CGA: My Understanding Is That This Is The Act Of Human Intimacy Most Closely Parallel To The Filling Of Filial Pails   
FAC: :33 but they don't have any buckets!   
FCT: D--> Nepeta you will refrain from using such 100d language.  
FCT: D--> Also you will refrain from watching that filthy footage.   
FAC: :PP   
CGA: I Believe Humans Gestate Their Young Internally Not Unlike The Creatures You Are So Fond Of Portraying Nepeta   
FAC: :33 so rose is going to have cubs?   
CGA: Newborn Humans Are Called Babies And Usually Only One Is Born At A Time But Perhaps   
PTC: MiRaClEs   
FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] 1:45 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FAA: 0.0  
FAA: im 0k with this   
CGC: BW4H4H4H4H4  
CGC: S33 K4RK4T WH4T 4R3 YOU COMPL41N1NG 4BOUT  
CGC: 4R4D14 1S OK W1TH 1T   
FCT: D--> Aradia, I e%pected better of you.   
FCG: IF YOU REALLY FIND IT SO FUCKING OBJECTIONABLE  
FCG: WHICH YOU SHOULD BECAUSE IT IS  
FCG: AND THAT APPLIES TO ALL OF YOU MISERABLE WASTES OF TROLLFLESH   
CGC: Y4WN   
FCG: SHUT UP TEREZI  
FCG: NOW WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH, EQUIUS MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP WATCHING DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?  
FCG: I CAN SEE YOUR SCREEN FROM HERE, YOU'VE CLEARLY GOT THE FEED OPEN.   
FAG: hey, is it just m8, or does John have really nice a8s?   
CGA: To Be Perfectly Honest I Was Admiring Miss Lalondes Figure Myself   
FCG: YOU GIRLS ARE TERRIBLE  
FCG: I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT WATCHING THE HUMANS MATE HAS WARPED BOTH YOUR THINKPANS  
FCG: MAYBE EVERYONE'S THINKPANS   
FTA: liike any of u2 had functiional thiinkpan2 two begiin wiith  
FTA: and you're 2tiill here two, KK   
FCG: FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT. NO ONE ELSE COULD HAVE EVER FIGURED THAT OUT IN A MILLION SWEEPS. THE PRIZE GOES TO SOLLUX CAPTOR.   
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CCC: Ok, I'm )(---ER---E!  
CCC: W)(at did you want me to sea, Terezi?   
CGC: L1NK 4T TH3 TOP OF TH3 M3MO  
CGC: 1TS 4N 1NT3R3ST1NG S3CT1ON OF TH3 LOL4R F33D 1 FOUND   
CCC: I will c)(eck it out rig)(t away!   
FCG: WAIT NO FEFERI YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT  
FCG: AND I'M TOO LATE, AREN'T I?   
FAG: oh grossssssss is she eating his genetic m8erial?   
CGA: That Would Appear To Be The Case  
CGA: And We Should Be Sensitive To Cultural Differences This May Not Be An Unusual Or Shameful Act For Humans   
FCG: A BASIC MISUNDERSTANDING OF HOW TO REPRODUCE IS NOT A CULTURAL DIFFERENCE IT IS THE DOWNFALL OF A FUCKING SPECIES   
CCC: Awww, t)(ey make the CUT--------EST couple!   
CGC: SH3 DO3SNT S33M TO B3 3NJOY1NG 1T MUCH THOUGH  
CGC: SH3S M4K1NG TH3 FUNN13ST T4ST1NG F4C3   
FCG: TEREZI WE SERIOUSLY DID NOT NEED THE REMINDER OF HOW YOU'RE WATCHING THIS   
FAC: :33 i agree with fefurry!  
FAC: :33 *dashes off to update her shipping wall*   
FTA: ii don't get you giirl2  
FTA: ii mean iit'2 amu2iing and all but tho2e two are wor2e at the whole romance thiing than KK ii2   
FCG: FUCK YOU   
CCC: T)(ey're cute B---ECAUS---E t)(ey're so gawky!   
FAC: :33 like how you and aradia were pawsitivly awkward back in the day, sollicks!   
FCT: D--> Nothing Aradia was involved in could be described as awkward   
FAA: 0.0 thanks i think   
FAG: or how Tavros is pretty much a troll-shaped 8lo8 of pitifulness and that's why we keep him around   
CAT: uH, i LIKE TO THINK I HAVE OTHER, uH, gOOD POINTS,   
FAG: suuuuuuuure you do   
FCG: VRISKA, STOP HITTING ON TAVROS  
FCG: AND NEPETA, KEEP YOUR OBNOXIOUS SHIPPING TO YOURSELF  
FCG: BACK ON TOPIC, WHICH FOR SOME REASON I SEEM TO CARE ABOUT, THE HUMANS SEEM TO HAVE FINISHED UP SO WHY ARE WE STILL WATCHING   
CGC: B3 P4T13NT K4RK4T  
CGC: TH3Y ST4RT UP 4G41N B3FOR3 TOO LONG   
CCC: Anyway, some of us are krill catc)(ing up!   
CGC: J3GUS K4RK4T HOW COULD YOU B3 SO 1NS3NS1T1V3    
CCC: It's ok, really! 38) I'm just a LITTL---E behind t)(e crest wave you.   
CGA: The Rest Of Us Could Pause The Feed For A Short Time To Allow You To Catch Up   
CCC: T)(at would be reely nice of you!   
FCG: OK EVERYONE WHO DOES NOT WISH TO BE KNOWN AS A BULGELICKING CHUTESHUCKER FOR THE REST OF FOREVER PAUSE YOUR FEED FOR A FEW MINUTES.  
FCG: OR YOU KNOW JUST TURN IT OFF AND FIND SOMETHING USEFUL TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.   
FAG: ........  
FAG: soooooooo Kanaya  
FAG: you seem to know an awful lot a8out how human s8x works  
FAG: anything we should know????????   
CGA: Like What  
CGA: I Have Made An Effort To Educate Myself Via The Human Internet So As Not To Embarrass Myself Or The Humans To Whom I Speak  
CGA: That Is All   
CGC: H4H4 WHY WOULD YOU DO TH4T  
CGC: 1TS SO MUCH MOR3 FUN TO W4TCH TH3M SQU1RM  
CGC: 4ND BLUSH  
CGC: 3SP3C14LLY BLUSH   
FAC: :33 why??   
CGC: H4DNT YOU NOT1C3D  
CGC: 4LL OF TH3M H4V3 BR1GHT R3D BLOOD   
FCG: WONDERFUL. TEREZI'S RED-FETISH TAINTED THE ENTIRE SPECIES.   
CGC: 4R3 YOU SO SUR3 4BOUT TH4T K4RKL3S   
FCG: NOT NOW YOU INSUFFERABLE NOOKSNIFFER   
CGC: YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHO BROUGHT 1T UP   
FCG: I DID NOT. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED TALKING ABOUT BLOOD.   
CGC: 4ND YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHO M4D3 1T W31RD   
FAG: would you two just g8t a room alr8y????????   
CGC: SHUT UP VR1SK4   
FCG: SHUT UP VRISKA   
FTA: how'2 iit goiing, FF?   
CCC: I t)(ink I'm just about cod up!   
PTC: LeT uS aLl KnOw WhEn YoU'rE wItH uS, cHicA  
PTC: NoT tHaT i MiNd WaItInG aS lOnG aS iT mOtHeRfUcKiNg TaKes  
PTC: I'vE gOt It PaUsEd On A fUcKiNg MiRaCuLoUs ViEw Of RoSe'S aSs.   
CGC: G4MZ33 TH4TS JUST WRONG   
FTA: waiit, TZ, you iinviite u2 all two watch amateur human porn wiith you, and you thiink that'2 wrong?  
FTA: diid 2omeone forget two tell me iit wa2 ragiing hypocriite day or 2omething?   
CCC: Well, s)(e's done sucking on )(is... tentacle?   
FAA: i d0nt think its m0bile enough t0 c0unt as a tentacle   
FCT: D--> I am going to pretend very STRONGly that I was not just reading that e%change   
FAC: :33 if you're purrtending, does that m33n you want to rp?   
FCT: D--> No   
FCG: I REPEAT: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN STILL DOING HERE EQUIUS?  
FCG: IT HAD BETTER FUCKING NOT INVOLVE TOWELS  
FCG: OH WHO DO I THINK I'M KIDDING OF COURSE IT DOES   
CCC: Ok, everyone can res)(ark their video now! T)(ANK YOU FOR WAITING!   
CAT: nO, uH, pROBLEM,   
FAG: ...w8, if it takes this long 8etween sexings, how do they 8ver manage to fill a p8l?   
CGA: As I Believe I Have Already Pointed Out Humans Do Not Actually Use One   
FAC: :33 well kissing s33ms to be about the same fur humans, anyway   
FCG: EXCEPT THAT THEY'RE WAY TOO FUCKING GENTLE ABOUT IT EVEN FOR MATESPRITS  
FCG: THEY'RE HARDLY USING TEETH AT ALL. NOT THAT LALONDE HAS ANY DENTAL FEATURES WORTH MENTIONING.   
FAC: :33 i think it's cute! and give them a break, this is pawviously their first quadrant   
FCG: IT'S THEIR ONLY FUCKING QUADRANT  
FCG: WAIT THAT WAS WORDED BADLY  
FCG: IT'S THEIR ONLY QUADRANT, FUCKING OR OTHERWISE.  
FCG: EGBERT TOLD ME, THEY'VE ONLY GOT THE ONE KIND OF ROMANCE  
FCG: IT'S LIKE A REALLY CODEPENDANT OBSESSIVE MATESPRITESHIP  
FCG: OR MAYBE LIKE BEING FLUSHED AND PALE FOR THE SAME PERSON AT THE SAME TIME  
FCG: I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS STUPID AND CONFUSING AND I'M NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED EGBERT KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT   
FAG: yeahhhhhhhh, judging 8y his perfom8nce here, I wouldn't think John is any kind of rom8nce guru   
FAC: :33 well if they only have one quadrant, it's really nice that they have a canon ship in it!  
FAG: assuming what8ver feeeeeeeelings they have survive this fum8ling mess  
FAC: :(O how can you spay that? do you want the ship to sink?  
FAG: maaaaaaaay8e I do, maaaaaaaay8e I don't  
FCT: D--> Vriska.  
FCT: D--> You will stop harassing my moirail immediately.  
FAC: :33 *ac hides behind ct as he heroically defends her from the furrocious spiderbeast*  
FCT: D--> She may be a little de100%onal sometimes but that does not give you cause to make her unhappy for your own unscrup001ous purposes  
FCT: D--> And Nepeta that was not an invita%on to begin your f001ish roleplaying game with me  
FAC: :33 sorry!   
FAA: l00k  
FAA: j0hn is trying an0ther 0riface  
FCG: HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH. MAYBE HE'LL GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME.   
CCC: You know, that hooks R--E--ELY uncomfortable. For both of them!  
CGA: Perhaps Human Anatomy Renders That Position More Feasible For Them Than It Would Be For A Pair Of Trolls  
FTA: naw look at her face, KN  
FTA: 2he do2en't look liike 2he'2 enjoyiing her2elf much  
FAG: I don't get it, if she's soooooooo uncomforta8le inverting why don't th8y just switch pl8ces?  
FAG: I mean that's pretty 8asic.  
CGC: M4YB3 SH3S JUST K1NKY L1K3 TH4T  
CGA: Actually I'm Fairly Certain Humans Don't Work Like That  
CGA: I Could Be Mistaken Of Course  
CGA: But I Was Under The Impression That Human Females Had Only A Sort Of Pseudo-Nook  
CGA: And Males A Sort Of Pseudo-Bulge  
CGA: Such That They Cannot Easily Reverse Their Roles Without The Aid Of Prostheses And Using Non-Sexual Orifices  
FCG: WHOA THERE KANAYA I DON'T REMEMBER PUNCHING MY PAYMENT VOUCHER ON THE ONE-WAY RAIL-BASED MODULAR TRANSIT TO TMI TOWN  
FTA: really. becau2e ii'd thiink siitiing around thii2 memo amount2 two about the same thiing.  
FCG: I ALSO DON'T REMEMBER ASKING FOR AN EXTRA HELPING OF CAPTOR SASS ON MY GRUBLOAF  
FCG: ANYWAY THAT MAKES NO SENSE. THEY'D HAVE TO ALWAYS PAIR UP MALE/FEMALE THEN, WOULDN'T THEY?  
CGA: I Believe That Same Gender Partnerships Are Indeed Considered Somewhat Outside The Norm  
CGC: W3R3NT YOU Y3LL1NG SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT JOHN T3LL1NG YOU H3 W4SNT 4 H3MOS3XUAL 34RL13R K4RK4T?  
FCG: HOMOSEXUAL THE FUCKING WORD IS HOMOSEXUAL, TEREZI, AND YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND THAT ALL THE HUMANS ARE DEFECTIVE IN THE THINKPAN AREA AND THEREFORE LIABLE TO BE REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED ABOUT THINGS  
PTC: He DoEsN't LoOk VeRy CoNfUsEd To mE  
PTC: He LoOkS lIkE A mOtHeRfUcKeR wHo KnOwS wHaT hE WaNtS  
FAG: Yeah, and Rose seems to 8e getting into it, too.  
FAC: :33 maybe she just n33ded a little time to warm up!  
CGC: S33 K4RK4T TH3 POOR L1TTL3 HUM4NS C4N F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO M4T3 W1THOUT YOU HOLD1NG TH31R H4NDS  
FCG: WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE HOLDING THEIR HANDS WHILE THEY HAD SEX?  
FCT: D--> Karkat if you must form such mental images you should refrain from de%ribing them in mi%ed company  
FCG: GIVE IT UP ZAHHAK. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, WE ALL KNOW HOW INTO THIS YOU ARE, SO STOP TRYING TO LECTURE THE REST OF US YOU CHUTEWIPE.  
FCT: D--> fiddlesti%, this towel is completely soaked. Nepeta, find me another one.  
FCG: I'M REALLY CONFLICTED HERE OVER WHETHER TO TELL YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH A COMPLETE AND UTTER ASS TO YOUR MOIRAIL OR APPROVE OF ANYTHING THAT GETS A MEMBER OF THE OBNOXIOUS GIGGLEY VOYEUR CLUB AWAY FROM HER SCREEN.  
FAG: Aaaaaaaand that's a little too much enthusiasm. I hope he d8dn't hurt himself.  
CCC: I )(ope he didn't )(urt ROS---E!  
FAC: :33 yeah, he looks furly heavy! i wouldn't want him falling on me!  
FAA: i think shes 0k  
FAA: i think theyre b0th 0k  
PTC: MaN tHeY aRe JuSt A cOuPlE oFdEtErMiNeD FuCkErS ArEn'T tHeY?  
PTC: JuSt AlL gEtTiNg It On nO mAtTeR wHaT gO wRonG  
FCG: GAMZEE IF YOU SAY IT'S A MIRACLE I WILL GO TELL MY PAST SELF TO WALK OVER AND PAP YOU SO HARD IN THE FACE ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY  
FAA: it d0esnt w0rk that way karkat  
FAA: we d0nt need any m0re d00med timelines n0w anyway  
FCG: PAST KARKAT WOULDN'T LISTEN ANYWAY, HE WAS TOO MUCH OF AN IDIOT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO  
FTA: riight  
CCC: Wait, is t)(at all the genetic material )(e's going to release?  
FAC: :33 it doesn't s33m like a lot!  
FAC: :33 and what about her? :(( they're never going to fill a bucket this way!  
FCG: THEY  
FCG: HAVE  
FCG: NO  
FCG: BUCKETS  
FCG: HONESTLY KANAYA EXPLAINED THIS TO YOU ALREADY HOW HARD OF A CONCEPT IS IT  
FAC: :33 it's just kind of weird!  
FCG: YOUR FACE IS WEIRD  
FAC: :00 my... face?  
FCT: D--> You have a lovely face, Nepeta  
FCT: D--> This degenerate wouldn't know beauty if it bit him  
FCG: SAYS THE GUY WITH THE MUSCLEBEAST POSTERS ALL OVER THE PLACE  
FCG: TEREZI YOU'VE ALREADY WATCHED THIS ARE THEY DONE NOW?  
CGC: Y34H PR3TTY MUCH  
CGC: TH3Y JUST G3T R34LLY CUDDLY FOR 4 WH1L3 4FT3R TH1S  
CCC: Aw!  
CGC: Y34H 1TS K1ND OF CUT3 1 GU3SS  
FCG: OK YOU HEARD THE TROLL SHOW'S OVER EVERYONE MOVE OUT  
FAC: :33 wanna go find the robot pile, equius?  
FCT: D--> I think that would be appropriate, yes.  
[FCT] ceased responding to memo.  
[FAC] ceased responding to memo.  
[FCG] ceased responding to memo.  
FTA: hey FF meet me iin my block iin a few?  
CCC: )(--E)(--E sure!  
FTA: <3  
[FTA] ceased responding to memo.  
FAG: I compl8ly did not need to read that, guys  
CCC: I'm shore you'll live!  
[CCC] ceased responding to memo.  
[FAA] ceased responding to memo.  
CAT: i GUESS i'LL, uH, gO THEN,  
[CAT] ceased responding to memo.  
[FAG] ceased responding to memo.  
[CGA] ceased responding to memo.  
[PTC] ceased responding to memo.  
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 2:30 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCA: oh chum on wwhy does no one evver tell me about these things  
CGC banned FCA from responding to memo.

CGC closed memo.


End file.
